What's so awful about THE PRINCESS BRIDE, THE RIGHT STUFF, and FOR YOUR EYES ONLY?

Two words: The Music.

The eighties were a time of musical experimentation, for which we have MTV, in some dubious ways, to thank. Out were long concept albums; in were short songs suitable for videos. Out were solos, prog-rock, and radio shows; in were Martha Quinn, massive synthesizers, and--unfortunately--composers like Vangelis.

Yes, Vangelis. Bolstered by the electronica revolution on MTV, someone got the bright idea to score Chariots of Fire with synthesizers instead of the London Philharmonic, or the London Symphony. And it worked.

Once.

But Chariots won for the Best Picture, Vangelis for the Best Score and, emboldened by his success, other directors and producers jumped on the synthesizer/fake orchestra band-wagon.

But the tunes that came from that band-wagon appealed to me about as much as sharing a toothbrush with Keith Richards.

I recall The Bounty, a very passable film starring Mel Gibson and Anthony Hopkins. Lavishly filmed; well-acted; and the story of Bligh, Christian, et co. was, as usual compelling.

But married to that film was this horrible, ear-drum assaulting electronic soundtrack. Even then, back in the early eighties, I remember recoiling immediately.

It didn't work. Electronic music CANNOT and DOES NOT belong in period pictures--PERIOD!

It only worked that once, for Chariots, but never again.

Now do you know why those initial three films irritate me? And it's not because I don't like them--hell, The Right Stuff is in my all-time Top Ten, Eyes Only is my third favorite Bond film, and Bride has more good memories from my past than I can list here.

But each contains elements of an electronic score that is more disturbing than, than, than--than finding out that Kevin Federline has been dating your mother. There--that's about it.

Bride and Stuff have some terrific music--Mark Knopfler's guitar score for Bride is wonderful, and Stuff uses Holst's "The Planets" with power--but the electronic sections make me throw up a little bit in my mouth.

As for Eyes, it's the only Bond film, I believe, without a typical John Barry score--what a waste! Did anyone REALLY think that Bill Conti could substitute for one of the greatest film composers (listen to the Out of Africa score if you don't believe me) of all time?

Oh, it's just a nightmare from which one cannot awaken. A perfectly great Bond film ruined by that awful electronic disco-ey score.

Hold on--I have to take a compazine.

Okay, the nausea has passed. Thank God, too, that the short-lived phenomenon of scoring movies electronically has passed as well. If only those three great films could be rescored, then all would be right with the world.

Unfortunately, not everything can be "As you wish."